Hell House LLC is supposed to be one of the scariest found-footage horror movies, based on audience heartbeats during viewing. At least, that’s what I’ve recently read online.  I’ve seen Hell House before.  I didn’t find it particularly frightening, but I’m older and wiser now, so I thought I’d give it another shot. 

• Directed by: Stephen Cognetti
• Written by: Stephen Cognetti
• Starring:: Joe Bandelli. Craig Cognetti. David Cognetti

I realize it’s a cult favorite and many people’s favorite modern found-footage horror film.  I never start out wanting to dislike a movie or show.  I have some issues with this one though. 

Character Issues

Found footage requires the audience to spend a lot of time with a small cast in close environments. This means the cast has to be relatable and generally likeable. Hell House takes the long way around to really introducing us to people we should be caring about, other than Sara, the girl. The guys are Tony, Paul, Alex, and Mack.   

The movie is not subtle. A great shot of a lurking shadow gets a pause, rewind, and freeze frame so we can focus on it. That’s just in case we missed that this abandoned hotel, named after an Angel of Destruction, was haunted.  Since the movie opens with footage of the massacre on the opening night of the titular haunted house, we know where this is going. 

We spend more time watching them talk and drink.  We watch them set up the house. There are some interesting background moments that don’t live up to their potential. It’s also fairly “male gaze-y”.  Paul’s pretty gross and since he’s the camera man for most of the footage, the footage is…well. His perspective may not have been the best one.  

Pacing Again

Here is my biggest issue with Hell House. I don’t like these characters. Too much of the movie is spent on unimportant moments with them.  They hear a noise at night and stand around talking about it.  They hang out in the kitchen joking. They show off the various rooms. All this does highlight that this house has no cohesive narrative. We’ve got spider hallways, clowns, and cult murders all in the same house, without transitions. 

Also, there are so many strobes.  Maybe this would have been more effective if I could have seen what was happening more clearly in some scenes, but at least the movie is kind enough to freeze frame it again for me. 

The ROI

So at this point, Paul is a bit of a sex pest, but Alex is a moron. No sane person would stay in this situation. There is no ROI, no profit analysis, or business plan that would indicate that this haunted house would make their initial investment back. It also wouldn’t be worth the hassle., especially considering that their last house was a commercial flop. This is established early on. 

But because the plot needs them to stay, they do? After Sara’s sleepwalking and a night of clown stalking, any sane person would be so done with this shit.   I will admit, Paul gets a bit of redemption here. He seems to genuinely care about what is happening and Sara’s deteriorating state. 

The movie does improve as it goes on. Once Paul goes missing and things kind of hit haunting critical mass, the unnecessary BS is stripped away, and it delivers on what we came for. 

There is a good movie here somewhere. There’s a reason why the crew can’t leave, but we don’t really know it, other than “Alex screwed us”.  This reason is revealed in a later movie, but it should have been in this one.  I needed a solid reason they wouldn’t just pick up and walk away after everything that happened. What would affect all of them so profoundly that they all would stay and deal with this? Alex’s financial decisions would be his to bear the responsibility for, not the crew’s. There’s no hint that it’s a shared financial partnership. 

The Logic Gaps

Let’s examine the financial aspect. This is an LLC. So, while it may be a bit of a hit, it does offer some protection. How many people truly know the fiscal blunders of people running local haunts?  In theory, if Alex was on the ropes financially, walking away, shuttering Hell House with its already poor reputation, and starting a new company in a year or so would be his best bet. Companies do this all the time with no repercussions.  

Haunt culture may not have been what it is now back in 2015. The current landscape and expectations certainly impact the viewing experience. I understand why people like it. It’s got lore to explore and leaves just enough unanswered questions. The mythology they built around the hotel is interesting, even if I don’t love the pacing. Yep, pacing again. 

I do like the ending of Hell House though, and not just because all the annoying characters die. There is a last-minute reveal that I think makes a lot of sense and gives the audience a real opportunity to figure it out before it happens. That’s my favorite kind.

Final Thoughts.

The highest my heart rate got during my rewatch was 60. Which, I guess if I’m thinking about profit and loss analysis, I’m not fully invested in the movie.  I’m probably never going to fully understand why there are clowns, but I get the appeal a bit more on this viewing. Hell House LLC is never going to be my favorite found-footage film.

Hell House LLC is available on streaming